my first taste of anxiety

life as just an x-ray tech was easy. while i was just an x-ray tech i  never knew what it was like to be stressed out. every day whether i was alert or tired, it didn't really matter. i would go to work knowing that even the busiest days wouldn't be all that stressful or bring on any anxiety. sure, the work load can get to be intense depending on the day and whether i'm working in a clinic setting or a hospital setting, but work is work. sometimes positioning patients gets to be tricky and sometimes you can't quite get exactly what the doctors order but for the most part you do the best you can and move on. and sure, there are things that you could potentially do wrong to harm a patient or harm yourself but generally your responsibility level is nowhere near that of a nurse or a doctor. you are only part of the process of administering very limited types of contrast or steroids and generally there's a doctor there with you in those times to double check. don't get me wrong, x-ray isn't easy breezy and thoughtless. it's just awesome in that you can go home without stressing about the days work or worrying about tomorrows work. there is no deadline and nothing that can pile up on you'll have to face tomorrow.

so recently i went through CT training which was an intense five weeks of straight monday through friday 8am-430pm nonstop CT. if you don't know what computed tomography is then just know that it's an important study that for many people may determine how well their bodies are functioning internally and may potentially help save lives. now in CT, there is a lot of responsibility and there are times where you can potentially really ruin someone's life if you do something wrong. i won't go in to detail but there is a lot of room for error so you've got to keep a clear mind and focus while also being able to multitask. whether it be balancing the outpatients scheduled with the emergency room patients and inpatients or dealing with patients who are unstable, it's a stressful job.

this was taken at the end of my final day in CT training. excited to be done with training, but worried that i'd now have to take on a lot of responsibility, i somehow decided that this picture was appropriate to sum up the day. (i realize this is a horrible picture of me but it is an important moment in time that will forever be ingrained in my mind)

i've always been a really mellow person. even my blood pressure indicates how easy my life is. i think my lowest to date was 92/65. i feel there's no need to sweat the small stuff. someone irritates you? associate with them as little as possible. had a bad day at work? eat something delicious and look forward to a new day. someone break the window of you car? fix it. sh*t happens and you move on. there's no reason to stress over little things. in fact i never really understood anxiety. i'd see type A people or just generally anxious people and wonder what it was like. the thought even crossed my mind (half jokingly) that i would like to be an anxious person because surely high anxiety = high metabolism = i can eat even more without weight gain.

being in CT has opened my eyes to what anxiety and stress feels like. juggling patients and multitasking are parts of it, but when there's a patient who is nearly coding or has already coded and you have to move quickly to start/finish an exam while making sure that the patient is alive and not going to move all over the place and ruin the study or harm themselves, with six people standing behind you watching your every move as a couple of them try to make their way back in to the room where radiation is being emitted, and you have to time things within seconds or the case is ruined, it's pretty stressful. my heart beats fast, my face is flushed and on occasions like that my hands have shook. an energy that i am not familiar with takes over me and i feel uneasy. i've never really felt that before. yeah there are difficult moments in life. fights with bfs, trying to ace a test, too many changes happening in life all at the same time, but none of those examples have ever really brought the same type of anxiety in to me.

now that i know what it feels like i'm not sure how i feel about it. in regards to CT it's especially stressful because i'm new at it and i'm not 100% comfortable with all aspects of the job. give me a year or so and the anxiety should definitely subdue some. but when there are moments like the one i mentioned above, that feeling of anxiety that i felt will more than likely kick in every time from yesterday until whenever i retire. i can't say for certain that i like the feeling, however when your anxiety peaks and your heart beats ridiculously fast and you get to hit "end exam," knowing that you've successfully completed a study, it's kind of the ultimate awesome feeling. almost even fun. you know that you've helped in the process of this person to figure out what is going on with he/she medically and it's really an amazing feeling. if i am part of that process, the stellar feeling i get afterwards absolutely outweighs the anxiety i feel before/during an exam. i guess this is the beginning of a life minorly sprinkled with anxiousness.