it DOES get better!

so my 'always' fussy baby is less fussy nowadays. it really is crazy how quickly they change. every week he's evolving into something better than before.

i'm pretty positive that i was correct that Cam taking really shitty naps or no naps at all was what caused him to be a cranky mess all the time. as i continued in my struggle to find a way to get the kid to nap (bounced on a yoga ball for nearly an hour and a half only for him to wake up over and over again) my friend Marjie came over and all nonchalant was like "lemme try." mind you, we've had plenty of friends try for an hour or so with no real luck. he'd doze and the moment they put him down he'd wake right back up. i had little faith that she'd have some magic touch.

so Marjie swaddled him, hovered over his bassinet with her hand on his chest and rocked the bassinet while shushing him. for nearly ten minutes he cried and fussed and then BAM he just fell asleep. GASP!!! whaaaaat just happened???? she said that he definitely fights sleep and would rather be up and alert which is why he cries but he's actually tired so he's also willing go to sleep if coaxed. of course he didn't actually fall asleep for very long the first time. he woke himself up and started to cry. but she told me to wait it out for a minute and if he continued to actually cry for a solid 60 seconds, then i could go in and help him fall back asleep. but if within the 60 seconds he calms down at any point then start the count to 60 seconds over again. if he keeps calming himself down then that means he's trying to self settle or self soothe. to be honest, when i heard babies cry prior to having one of my own, it never really bothered me but that first day of letting him try to self settle was fairly brutal for a new mom like me. hearing your baby wail like that raises your blood pressure and just hits you in your heartstrings. BUT as i saw that he was able to settle himself and fall back asleep, i realized that he's learning. i tried to remind myself that babies his age (9 weeks) can only really communicate by crying. Marj said that every day it would get better and better. he would be able to self soothe/settle easier and he would sleep longer because he'd be able to help himself.

and guess f*cking WHAT!?! it's been almost a week of this and when he wakes himself up, he's able to fall back asleep on his own pretty easily for the most part. i watch him on the monitor and sometimes he'll wake, cry a few moments or make a frowny face and then go back to sleep. or sometimes he'll wake and look around for a little bit and then fall back asleep. occasionally he'll wake, cry for a while and i'll have to rescue him (as i call it) but he falls back asleep. sometimes he'll wake, stare, even smile and sort of giggle and then fall back asleep. what a freaking weirdo, amiright? true, his naps aren't knock-out-for-two-hour naps but maybe as he's able to self soothe they'll get longer and easier. i know some people might think that letting your baby cry at this age for sleep is cruel but i don't view it that way. it's not like i allow him to cry for even ten minutes straight. and the dude is learning! he's totally capable.

and you know what? because he's actually getting daytime sleep in, he's a happier baby when he's awake and it's been life changing for the both of us! i like my baby! when he's awake, cooing, smiling and playing, i am so in love with him! all he needed was more rest and i'm finally able to give it to him. as he's learning and practicing and as i'm letting the reigns go a little bit, he's been napping way better than ever before. on two occasions today, i didn't even rock him in the bassinet at all. all i did was watch for his sleepy signals, swaddle him and shush him until he fell asleep. it was amaaaaaazing! not that every day will be the same or that i'm never going to have to rock him in the bassinet to help him get to sleep, but hopefully as the days go on we'll figure it out and we'll be able to be on the way to real sleep training through the night. we're already starting the path to that. woohoo!

i have to give so so SO much credit to Marjie. she seriously is a baby whisperer. i am mesmerized with her magic. she's provided me with some groundwork to a happier baby, which means a happier me. i feel far less anxious than i did just a week ago and we're on the road to it DOES get better!!!

just a note and a few pics

i know a lot of my posts have been about the hardships of motherhood and/or the struggles i've had with it. as a result i've actually had a lot of people reach out, which has been nice to see that people care. i'm assuming most people have felt the same way i do but they didn't have a blog to whine about it. for everybody who has reached out, thank you! i appreciate it!

y'know sometimes i don't think of Cam as a little human yet. because he doesn't actually do much as of now, i sort of view him as a real life Tamagachi. and when things don't work on him like they're supposed to i have to remind myself that he's not a little robot.

i assure you though that as days go on and he does show more signs of being an actual human being, i feel more and more like a mom. and i love him more and more. and i wonder what he's going to grow up to be and what his temperament will be like. he got his first shots the other day and caught a fever from it. his crazy loud cries turned into weak little whimpers and it made me just want to hold him and cuddle the shit out of him. anyway, what i'm saying is that i don't completely hate being a mom. i mean, the newborn phase doesn't seem like it's going to be my favorite but if it means one day we'll snuggle up on the couch and he'll run up to me and hug me here and there, it'll be worth it all.

anyhow here's more of the little man...

brought him to meet some coworkers and he was a sweetheart for them (for the most part)

bath time!

 lol, any mom will tell you that at some point you have to keep your hand on their chest for x amount of time so that they feel secure. one day i decided to fill a sandwich bag full of rice to mimic the weight of my hand in hopes that he'd sleep longer during a nap. this lasted 20 minutes before his eyes popped right back open. could you imagine if the bag were to bust open? #momfail

 fam photo

ugh, that little smile!

if i dress like a dog, maybe he'll accept me.

2 months and sleep issues

two months in and tell you honestly, i'm not sure if i know my baby more or less than i did before. "it gets better" is what i hear. is it easier now? the sleep deprivation is a little better, mainly because i go to sleep when the baby goes to sleep, which means around 7pm everyday and i think i'm getting used to waking up in the middle of the night.

but no, it's not easier. my baby is difficult. he seems to be crying or fussing all the time. we went through what all new parents do. is it reflux? is it gas? is it colic? whatever 'colic' is anyway. seems like such a generic term for fussy-without-reason-and-potentially-gets-better-around-3-months-but-nobody-knows-why. it's been rough, seriously. i know babies cry but this one seems to have a red, angry, pouty face often and it makes me sad. sad because this is the period where you're supposed to 'cherish the moments' and also interact with them a lot with tummy time, play mats, talking, singing, etc. but when he's just a fussypants, how am i supposed to do that exactly?

i think i know what's happening but i don't know how to fix it. i don't think it's reflux or anything actually medically wrong. he's gaining weight (he's well over 11lbs already and seems healthy overall) and peeing and pooping appropriately.

see...in the morning when he's woken up, he seems okay. he smiles, coos and seems to be in great spirits. this is our saving grace. it seems this is the only time that he's truly chill. as the early part of the day goes on he seems okay. engaged and observant. then he starts yawning and i know that he's tired. he can't show me other signs like rubbing his eyes or tugging his ear yet because this kid has zero dexterity. they say that a newborn at around Cam's age shouldn't be awake for longer than 2 hours maximum at a time. he should be taking like four naps a day. this means that when he wakes at around 6am, he should be asleep again by 8am at the maximum and it's my duty to get him to nap before that window closes or else he becomes overtired and overstimulated. but this kid is nearly impossible to put to sleep for naps. i feel like i spend my whole day trying to get him to sleep.

i've done everything from:
-spend hours bouncing on a yoga ball with white noise sounds on in the dark
-driving to Half Moon Bay to get him to sleep in the car
-walk around with him in an ergo
-walk around in a stroller
-buy a swing in hopes that this will make him nap
-play lullabies
-shush
-let him cry for 15 minutes
-feed him swaddled
-walking around Target with him in a stroller
etc.

sometimes while bouncing on the ball he'll nod off for a moment and then wake right back up. this has happened 8 times in a sitting before i give up. then i put him in the ergo and do lunges to make him sleep. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. i'm pretty sure the reason why he's fussy throughout the day is because he doesn't get enough sleep in the form of naps. all of the sites say 'put your baby down to sleep drowsy but awake.' uhhhh....he shows no signs of being drowsy until he's already yawning and fussy. and we've tried to put him down before but he's so hard to get down then he gets cranky and cries.

and honestly, i can't see a way out. i don't see how this is ever going to change until we are able to sleep train him. but even then who knows. when his circadian rhythm develops and he's more neurologically developed, will he sleep better? i don't know. it breaks my heart that all he wants to do is sleep and i can't get it to him. some days he's so fussy and crying that we just can't wait to put him to bed at nighttime so that he can reset himself and we can get a break. i feel terribly about that but it's sort of true.

month 1, i think i had the baby blues for sure. with the hormones and everything, i was crying all the time. month 2, i think i have found my way to anxiety. there've been a few nights where i'm obviously tired but unable to go to sleep and i can feel my blood pressure rising. every day i wake up thinking "oh shit how am i going to get him to nap today and be chill."  and at night we're tiptoeing around our room so as not to wake him because if we do that means bouncing on a yoga ball for who knows how long again. all i want is for my kid to be able to get his naps in but in a sustainable way for myself too. i can't walk him in an ergo for hours and hours, can i? is there something i'm missing or something i'm not doing correctly? does everybody have this hard a time putting their baby down for naps? how naive i was. before having a baby i thought that when people are sleepy they sleep and that babies were no different. nope. i'm able to write this post because i walked him around in an ergo for an hour and now he's still in that ergo as i type.

does it get better? when? when he's 3 years old and chatting with me?

this is rare