an ode to my mom

my mom with Cam

three generations of moms

(this was taken 19 days before Cam was born)

you know how they say that you don't truly appreciate your parents until you're a parent yourself?

1000% dead accurate!

i've always appreciated my parents but i've never appreciated them more than now. i recall having a good childhood. whether it was going to Disneyland/other amusement parks, zoos, camping or playing around outside, i've always had fun. when it came to disciplining my brother and i, i look back fondly at my mom always making sure to tell us why what we did was wrong. rather than scolding us with no explanation, this method taught us to be analytical and logical in thought as adults. i guess as we grow up it's easy to reflect on your parents by how you felt about your childhood but now that i'm beginning this new chapter in my life as a mom myself, i realize how much more went into parenting my brother and i than i've ever been able to understand. i never knew the true hardships of motherhood and as they unfold, i appreciate what they've endured for us.

at just over five weeks into parenthood i already see how much work goes into the early stages of parenting and let me tell you, it's grueling. the lack of sleep and confusion about what you're doing are intense and you feel like you're living by a thin thread of hope. now that i'm living this, i can only wonder what it was like for my own mom and dad. but if i'm being truly fair this is more about my mom. she's the one that put in a majority of the work and i feel like i could never repay her for it. not that she would ever seek redemption. that's not what parenthood is about. this past week i've cried in recognition and appreciation for all the things my mom has done throughout my lifetime.

so Mom, thank you for the memorably happy childhood! but also...

thank you for growing me for nine months while you worked.
thank you for jeopardizing your youthful body in exchange for extra fluff.
thank you for feeling trapped in what feels like an eternity of sleepless nights.
thank you for enduring the confusion of screeching cries for months.
thank you for juggling two babies under the age of 2 at the same time.
thank you for trading in your life of freedom in exchange for two chaotic additions.
thank you for spending your time changing a million diapers.
thank you for ever feeling overwhelmed, tired and hopeless at any point in our lives.
thank you for always having our best interests at heart.

but you recently stated that you will always worry about me, just like you said poh-poh (my grandma) still worries about you (and you're already considered a senior citizen!!!). i'm finding out more and more each day that if there's anything that epitomizes motherhood it starts and never stops with the worrying. you've only ever wanted what was best for Jeremy and i whether it's in health, happiness or general well being and with that comes a lifetime of worrying and lightweight or heavyweight anxiety depending on the situation. that's a hard thing to live with. but it's also a choice you make. so thanks for making that choice and for having to spend your life worrying about us. thank you for most recently for your worry as you watch me and help me through baby blues or postpartum depression (whichever one it is). it's helped me feel better and i couldn't imagine navigating motherhood without the guidance of my own mom.

i appreciate you! and i imagine that as my journey throughout motherhood progresses and i realize how much your efforts have affected my life, my appreciation for you will only continuously rise as well.

thank you for your selflessness!

we've made it through month 1

whoa whoa whoa!! how is it possible that a whole month has passed by yet it also feels like time has stood still? i can't believe my baby is already a month old today, while it also feels like i've been living in a stagnant cycle of crying, diapers and bottles. and somehow it also feels like i've been doing this for four years already. that's what sleep deprivation does to you i guess!

Cameron is doing well. he's thriving as he should i suppose. my once 7lb 10oz son has acquired a dad bod and is weighing in at just over 10lbs. his umbilical cord fell off almost two weeks into birth. i found it on the couch a couple hours after we partook in a skin-to-skin nap. i thought it was bug but nope, it was a piece of dehydrated lifeline. his circumcision healed up nicely right around the same time. thank god! it was a chore trying to squeeze vaseline on that thing like a bee hive. boy-moms know what i'm talkin' about. aside from that, i don't know what to say about him. i always see people document things on their child's monthly photos about what they like/dislike, what they've discovered and any milestones they've hit. but so far Cam is a typical newborn. he eats, sleeps, poops and cries. i guess i could elaborate on those. he's eating up to 4oz at a time now. he sleeps well at night and only really wakes for feedings but we put him right back to sleep and he has no problem with that. his poops have been various colors, shades and consistencies thus far, sometimes even within the same diaper. so weird. and he cries. or fusses. i'd love to say more about him but that sort of sums up his life so far. i'll let you know when he's more interesting. right now his little intricacies are cute and noticeable for me but even so, i know his 'smile' is just a reflex. and that when he grabs my finger he has no idea his hand even exists yet so it's meaningless.

as far as i go...well. i've had my downs and my downs. but i'm looking forward to the ups and i'm now starting to see a flicker of a light at the end of the tunnel. if you recall in my last blog post, i was a disheveled mess. i can't say that i'm not still that, but i'm a little bit of a lesser mess now. as every day goes by i feel slightly more confident. whether it's taking him on walks with the ergobaby or putting him in the car and using the stroller, i've overcome the fear of doing new things. when he was about two weeks old i took him in a stroller down Geary Street for a walk by myself. ten blocks in he started crying his face off and i panicked. luckily we were by a Kaiser clinic. i knew they'd have a lobby so i ducked in there and fed/changed him. after that i rushed back to the car where Ted was and proclaimed that "that was intense. whyyyyyy did i try to do that? let's just stay at home for like six months." today was the very first time i left the house with him alone in my car that wasn't just walking out to the park across the street. i took him to a friend's house a whopping half a mile away. it seems like nothing but it's a feat for me.

otherwise, i've still googled way too much stuff. i'm trying to figure out what to believe or what guidelines i should be following. for a few days Cam ate like 32oz in a day, which seems like waaaaayy too much for a kid his age and i kept wondering if i was overfeeding him and setting him up for a lifestyle of obesity. i can't tell the difference between his cries which makes me feel like i don't know my kid. but to tell you the truth, i don't know my kid. actually, at this point i couldn't even tell you the difference between a cry and fussiness. it all sounds the same to me. is he hungry? tired? needs a diaper change? i don't know! but as days go by i'm more and more okay with not knowing and just figuring it out. and if it's none of those things and he's fussy still, i'll just do whatever until he's not fussy. i always thought that i had to find a reason for why he's fussy but i'm learning that sometimes you just have no effing clue and you just deal with it. instead of following the foreshadowing of The Wonder Weeks or any other book that tells you what you can expect exactly when, i'll just take the fussiness as it comes and just make it through. that's the plan anyway. i can't keep trying to find an explanation for everything because there are too many variables and there's almost never a definitive answer considering this guy can't tell me whether he's crying because of gas, colic, or because i'm holding him in a way he doesn't love.

i decided about a week ago that i was going to quit the breastfeeding thing and straight up use formula. for me, the benefit of pumping didn't outweigh the negatives i felt. sitting attached to a machine every 2-3 hours and not spending that time with my newborn made me feel shitty. also having to wash pump parts and staying awake after bottle feeding to pump after already being sleep deprived from every night prior will wear you down. and for what? the 2oz or less i made with each pump session? this kid eats more than that. it just wasn't worth our time. and i'm so much happier now that i don't have all of that on my shoulders. fuck the judgmental pro-breastfeeding people out there who think you're not being a good mom if you don't offer up 'breast is best' for your baby. i won't bond with my kid? pretty sure when he loves me and kisses me goodnight when he's 2, he's bonded. plus, i'm still going to be feeding him and clothing him for yeaaarrrrrsss to come. pretty sure he's not going to know whether i gave him that 'golden' breast milk when he's yelling at me to give him a lollipop.

do i still cry? yeah. for sure. but less. as i let go of control over my life (or my once upon a time life) and allow myself to grasp the idea that i'm a 'mom' with everything that word encompasses, i start to believe that i can do it. and i can be less selfish. but are there moments where i wonder "what if we just didn't have kids at all?" or "what if we just have one kid because i'm not sure i can do this twice?" yeah. HELL YEAH. once or twice i've been out to pick up some butter at the grocery store without Cam attached to me and for a moment i forget i have a baby and it feels nice to have that freedom. but then i see an infant who is four months old being toted along to lunch with her mom and friends or i see a five year old running around the playground laughing so hard it hurts and i can see what this is all worth. there's a lot of sacrifice in the beginning (and probably for the rest of my life) of a life with kids but in the end the sacrifice, tantrums, uncertainty and change in self identity will never overshadow the hugs, laughs and joy that enhance your life as a family. sometimes i still wish i could've just popped out a toddler (or at the very least a 4 month old) and skipped the whole newborn thing but i'll bet that in a year from now i'm going to miss these newborn moments.

check back next month. hopefully i'll be all like "wow this baby thing is amazing. how could i have ever bitched about any of it before? every moment is savored and i would totally do this again." we'll see. i'm told things get better every month so i'm hoping to see some smiles or recognition coming from that little face. but in the meantime he is pretty cute to look at.

one month. we did it! month 2, please be kind to me.

wow. this shit is HARD!!!

wow. this shit is HARD! i had no idea what i was in for. i over think everything i'm doing and worry about every little thing. is he sleeping too much? is he sleeping enough? is he eating too much? i can't tell if he's showing signs of hunger or not. he's going for his fingers. is he hungry or self soothing? they say i'll soon understand the small variances in cries and be able to distinguish what they mean but i fear i'm not going to be able to tell and the rest of my life is going to be a guessing game with this kid. i'm overwhelmed and constantly concerned that i'll never know what i'm doing.

we are nearing three weeks and this only seems to get harder. they say that at some point they become more predictable but that seems so far away. everything i read (and all i've been doing is reading. seriously. constantly reading how? when? why? about everything. mostly about sleeping, eating and crying, obviously. i've been reading so much that i find myself rereading the same articles over.) says that in three months they sleep longer during the night and less during the day. that they can self sooth better at three months. that they eat more quantity during the day and less during the night, again, at. three. months. THREE MONTHS?? i'm barely scraping by three weeks and i feel like i've been in a haze for months already. thank god i've got lots of vacation and sick time saved up to make it to the three month mark. how do women go back to work after six weeks? or actually, maybe going back to work sounds like a dream come true right about now. someone else can deal with all of this new unpredictability and i can just handle the night time. but then i'd miss out on fully delving into this motherhood thing. there's just no winning.

but i cry. i cry a lot. like, pretty much every person i come in contact with sees me cry nowadays. except for the cashier at Target or the small interactions i have with strangers. but even then i choose the self checkout stand more often than not. these postpartum hormones don't help. when do those leave? or are they just making themselves cozy in me for hella long? i'm in a really weird head space. i think all new moms go through it but none of them told me about it. the feeling of helplessness and overwhelmingness. the questioning of decisions. the frustrations. but once i read (yes, more reading) about other people's experiences and investigate it, it seems like nearly every first time mom goes through these same things. so i know i'm not alone. and every time i talk to another mom-friend of mine, it makes me feel at least a little bit better. one of the very best pieces of advice i've gotten was that "everything is a phase and at your darkest moments, know that i'll be totally different in a few days, weeks, months." THANK YOU, NGOC for this little gem of repeated word wisdom i tell myself every few hours. at the very least it gives me a slight sense of hope.

all i want is for this kid to grow up happy and healthy. but while i'm at it i also want to feel good about myself and my decisions for him. and for now my biggest thing is how to soothe this guy so that he doesn't cry his head off. we've tried using a pacifier but he obviously doesn't know what the fuck that thing is. he likes it but knocks it out because his motor skills aren't up to par. like c'mon man, get it together and keep that thing in your mouth! i read that one mom nearly wanted to duct tape it around his head. i'm with her! just kidding. sort of. rocking. swaying. feeding. swaddling. white noise. walking. what do you waaaaant!?!?! just tell me!!! i can't wait until he can just tell me. please please please. that day can't come soon enough.

as i write this Cam is in the third hour of a nap. he was awake for nearly three hours before this and i could tell he was sleepy but i couldn't get him to take a nap. when he's sleeping i miss him but at the very same time i fear the moment he awakens if he hasn't had enough sleep. this kid is running the show around here. 24 hours a day is all about this guy. i hope that i can get used to it. or make it manageable. i know we'll get through this but that light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away. doesn't make me want to kiss him less though.