i don't want to get fat!

me: my greatest fear is the whole getting fat thing

laura (sister in law): i think that's every new mom's fear

jeremy (brother): well you've had a lot of practice though

fucking asshole! 

not everybody may know this but like many women i've got a real scared-to-be-fat complex. it stems from my childhood as a 'fat kid'. if you've followed my blog before you may remember these chronicles of a chunk, ii, iii. there are more in these chronicles but i think that's enough sample evidence for you. 

i'm not quite as concerned with the aftermath of birth because as i stand today, i don't intend on keeping the baby weight. i have always made time to exercise and eat healthy when needed and i'm waaaaay too self conscious to allow myself to pack it on and keep it there. i've got twentyish years of constant mental and physical practice trying no to be a complete chub so i'm hoping to keep it that way. yeah yeah yeah, i know all the moms out there are laughing out loud and shaking their heads at me. "muahaha...you'll never find time to workout or even cook healthy meals for that matter. you'll be fluffier forever." well damn, just let me live in my head for a little while longer okay? i'm already fearful that the single pair of $130 high waist jeans (i never spend that kind of money on jeans but thought i'd treat myself before getting pregs. a month later i started growing a human. what a waste. pun intended) will never ever fit my inevitably expanding hips. let's not even mention future knee pains and lower extremity swelling. tell me why i'm doing this again?

slight change in body but also 5: sports bra, 12: regular bra. those have not grown.
...and on another note, this is a testament to how good dry shampoo works too, eh?

it may be a little hard to tell but between weeks 5 and 12, there's a slight change in my midsection. the worst part is i'm almost 100% certain that 0% of that is actually any evidence of a growing mammal baby. that, my friends, is a pure carbohydrate baby. see between the nausea, increased hormones, physical changes, and irritations i've experienced in this first trimester, i find myself wanting to eat only carbs. and you know what? i'm effing doing it! i usually keep track of how often i eat nutritionless carbs like white rice, pasta, bread and cereal but as of late, that's all i want. mac n cheese, pizza and sandwiches all day. no lies here... it's been mf fun af to eat like a teenager. and like a boss, i've only really gained one pound so far. but i think i can equate that to simultaneously losing muscle while gaining squish. more on that in another post. 

i think that very quickly i'm going to find myself in that awkward place where people sort of just think you're getting chunky. uugggghhh! i am dreading that time period, to say the least. like, i'm not even worried about the whole squeezing an entire human body out of my lower half. i'm more concerned about this growing middle that is going to look like i've got an all-you-can-eat buffet problem i'm trying to disguise. it's a good thing that fashion these days agrees with my pregnancy and flowy, loose fitting clothes are 'in.' i just want to pop already. i'd rather have a taut balloon belly than a doughy tire around my waist.

anyhow, just sitting here waiting it out with chips in hand. 

unsolicited baby advice #1

so i've heard from every single mom-friend that once you're pregnant you are going to receive endless amounts of unsolicited pregnancy and baby advice. i've barely told the world about this condition of mine and lo and behold it's already happening. i thought this might be a good place to share the newfound "knowledge" i pick up from people here and there and also voice whether i think what they have to say is valid or a piece of shit.

first up to bat: i'll start with my grandma. when we told her we were pregnant she (in chinese) said "i'm so happy don't eat pineapple and mango" in one quick breath. like, whoa..how did you even get over the excitement of a fifth great grandchild and jump to advice so soon? she's like a thought process wizard. i asked what the reasoning behind it was because my fruit of choice lately has been pineapple so i need to weigh my choices here. she said that pineapple and mango cause early birth. oh. really? not that i did any research or anything but i'm pretty sure it's like "turkey makes you sleepy" in that i'd probably have to eat like seven hundred pineapples in a day and a half to push this baby out early. and even if i ate seven hundred in a sitting, it'd probably exit because my abdomen would be so full that the kid has nowhere to go but out.

verdict: bullshit, grandma. but you can tell me whatever you want as often as you want because i value that you want to share life experiences and advice with me.

how we got pregnant

no, not the nitty gritty technical stuff, you perv!

plenty of my friends have been parents for years already but i know plenty of people who are either currently trying or will be trying in the near future to conceive. i thought i'd jot down some Q&A stuff in case anybody was curious about any of the following things...

were we trying to get pregnant? yes. i'm 33 and Ted is 37. i've always kept a sort of timeline in the back of my mind about having a child before i'm 35. after 35 developmental concerns rise and they supposedly make you do more testing. i wanted to avoid that if possible because i'm a lazy af and don't want to go in to see anybody more than i have to.

when did you get off birth control? Ted and i got married in early october of last year. on wedding day i didn't have pockets to put my pills in so i just decided to stop then and there. that was about six months before we conceived. i was mostly continuing birth control at that time to make sure my skin was flawless on wedding day anyway. you should see my skin now (12 weeks in). it's a wreck! waaahhh!! -insert cry face emoji-

how long were you trying? hmm...like actually trying, only about 2-3 months. yes, we realize we are blessed in that aspect and that it's not always that easy for others to conceive. we did the "not not trying" thing for around four months but all that meant was that i wasn't on birth control. i had no idea what time frame ovulation even occurred within a cycle during that time.

what did you do to start trying? first, i downloaded the Flo app to start documenting when my periods started and finished. this let me know that i was on a regular cycle. then i started using ovulation sticks so that i knew exactly when i was ovulating (the app will guess but it wasn't always accurate). the window for ovulation is anywhere from 12-24 hours so it's really beneficial to know exactly when that is so you don't miss the opportunity. real sexy. "hey! sometime today, before we put mouth guards and invisalign retainers in, we've got to make this baby. but remember i'll need to allot time for hanging upside down too."

are you taking prenatal vitamins? yes! when i first started taking them, i was inconsistent. i took them maybe four times a week. my friend very loudly and adamantly scolded me about how taking prenatals is the easiest way to prevent spina bifida and that if i don't take them consistently, i may have a baby that won't ever walk. like, damn girl. dramatic, or what? ooookay! so i changed my daily alarm from "antibaby" (which was my birth control alarm) to "anti spina bifs!" (which is my prenatal vitamin alarm). i'm not picky about which ones i use. i just take whatever one i happen to run into at the store when i run out. edit: i was taking the horse pill kind but i've recently switched to gummies and it has changed my life!

got any tricks? aside from the ol' prop your pelvis up and basically hang upside down for 20 minutes after sex, i've got none. they say it doesn't really matter though. a strong swimmer will make it's way whether gravity helps it or not. iiii say why not give the little dudes even just an inch of decreased swim distance if you can. help 'em out, y'know? just throw a pillow under you or use that wall to help you get into some inversion yoga moves and hang out for a bit. it can't hurt.

when did you find out you were pregnant? about a day or so after the fertilized egg would have implanted (approximately seven days after ovulation), i felt lightheaded for a few hours. i'm pretty aware of my body and i never ever feel lightheaded, even if i'm dehydrated. so i googled whether that was a symptom of implantation. i found that plenty of women on forums said that they felt lightheaded around the same time and a couple weeks later they tested positive on a home pregnancy test. i used a home pregnancy test seven days after i felt lightheaded and tested positive with a verrrrrry faint line. the next couple days i took tests again and all of them tested positive. i technically knew i was pregnant around 3 weeks and 3 days. crazy, huh?

and that's that. boom. life, changed.