Wednesday, April 2, 2014

what might they say about me?

if you've spoken to me at any point in time over the last oh..i don't know..decade or so, you know that i'm a picky son of a bitch when it comes to who i choose to date. i keep my standards pretty high in regard to what i value and think that you can at the very most only ask for what you can offer or match yourself. unlucky for me, i have fairly good self esteem and am not willing to settle for less than what i feel like i deserve. i know this sounds a bit cocky but you can reference what i feel like i deserve in this post and make your own judgments. be my guest. i don't think that what i want is unfair or unjustified. anyhow, i say 'unlucky' for me because the more self esteem and standards you have, the harder it is to just allow random people into your love life. what this translates to in my own love life is a string of single dates with guys or maaaaybe two, possibly three dates if i feel there's any potential actual chemistry. because of all of these random dates i partake in, it is frequent that i come back with a story about what went wrong. this usually consists of me exaggerating something minor about the person that i didn't particularly care for for comedy sake but at the end of the day it's really chalked up to a lack of chemistry. if i'm going to spend hours hanging out with these guys then i may as well walk away from it with at least a semi-story. you've heard them before. remember the guy who closed his eyes for what seemed like one million seconds?

so i know it's not necessarily bringing me any good karma to write about these funny interactions on the internet where they'll be captured for eternity (anything that goes on the internet is pretty much permanent, right? right. sorry, Dudes! people might know the story but at least they'll never know your identity! hell, i barely know your identity after these brief interactions.). in an attempt to rectify my assholishness i wanted to turn the tables and write about the things guys could possibly be saying about me right after these 'dates.' i'm sure some have walked away from a date thinking "what in the f*ck was that." just kidding, no they haven't...because i'm pretty great. haha calm down, calm down! i'm juuuuuust kidding again!! in all honesty, i'm sure at least a few have not liked what they met.

here are a few things people could potentially have said about me after walking away from a date:
*please use a bro-voice when reading these because it'll be that much more awesome

--"bro, i went on a date with this girl and when she showed up her hair was wet! who does that? should probably show up representing the best version of yourself, right? it's like she didn't even care about how she looked." 
[hmm i've done this plenty of times. not like dripping wet, but definitely gone out immediately having left the shower. i don't ever blow dry my hair soo clearly my laziness gets the best of me sometimes.]

--"bro, i went on a date with this girl and her voice was so deep i almost felt emasculated. like...i actually looked down to see who was "wearing the pants" so to speak."
[hmm yeah having a deep voice is sort of limiting for me. why is yours so high though?]

--"bro, i went on a date with this girl and let's just say her legs were thiiiick. like...i almost thought i was out with Apollo Anton Ohno."
[hmm well i squat, lunge, cycle and run so that's my excuse. and i can't help it that i'm built like a corgi. short legs, long torso. it is what it is!]

--"bro, i went on a date with this girl and she called me a 'fraud' and a 'liar.' like...aren't you supposed to be flirting on a first date, not putting each other down?"
[hmm you'd think this would be an immediate turnoff but in the right context and playfulness sometimes it works out. this was my first interaction with a now ex-boyfriend. also, i don't know how to properly flirt or not be real/honest soo...]

--"bro, i went on a date with this girl and she kept telling these stories and laughing at her own jokes. i mean i admit they were funny and i was laughing too, but she thought she was hilarious. like... that's sort of annoying, right? but let me tell you this funny story she was telling me...."
[hmm you can't not laugh at hilarity, right? i can't help it if you're not funny which in turn means that i have to entertain myself] 

--"bro, i went on a date with this girl and i thought everything was going well until she got up and told me she had to return a painting to a friend! like...running an errand was more fun than hanging out with me?"
[hmm yes. it was.]

okay, okay. i'm not sure that post really brings my karma points up any. maybe they bring them down one more notch, actually. but hopefully it was at least slightly entertaining. if not, you can totally turn around and tell someone that "bro, i read this blog from this girl and she's an asshole. end of story." i'm okay with that.

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