i don't want to get fat!

me: my greatest fear is the whole getting fat thing

laura (sister in law): i think that's every new mom's fear

jeremy (brother): well you've had a lot of practice though

fucking asshole! 

not everybody may know this but like many women i've got a real scared-to-be-fat complex. it stems from my childhood as a 'fat kid'. if you've followed my blog before you may remember these chronicles of a chunk, ii, iii. there are more in these chronicles but i think that's enough sample evidence for you. 

i'm not quite as concerned with the aftermath of birth because as i stand today, i don't intend on keeping the baby weight. i have always made time to exercise and eat healthy when needed and i'm waaaaay too self conscious to allow myself to pack it on and keep it there. i've got twentyish years of constant mental and physical practice trying no to be a complete chub so i'm hoping to keep it that way. yeah yeah yeah, i know all the moms out there are laughing out loud and shaking their heads at me. "muahaha...you'll never find time to workout or even cook healthy meals for that matter. you'll be fluffier forever." well damn, just let me live in my head for a little while longer okay? i'm already fearful that the single pair of $130 high waist jeans (i never spend that kind of money on jeans but thought i'd treat myself before getting pregs. a month later i started growing a human. what a waste. pun intended) will never ever fit my inevitably expanding hips. let's not even mention future knee pains and lower extremity swelling. tell me why i'm doing this again?

slight change in body but also 5: sports bra, 12: regular bra. those have not grown.
...and on another note, this is a testament to how good dry shampoo works too, eh?

it may be a little hard to tell but between weeks 5 and 12, there's a slight change in my midsection. the worst part is i'm almost 100% certain that 0% of that is actually any evidence of a growing mammal baby. that, my friends, is a pure carbohydrate baby. see between the nausea, increased hormones, physical changes, and irritations i've experienced in this first trimester, i find myself wanting to eat only carbs. and you know what? i'm effing doing it! i usually keep track of how often i eat nutritionless carbs like white rice, pasta, bread and cereal but as of late, that's all i want. mac n cheese, pizza and sandwiches all day. no lies here... it's been mf fun af to eat like a teenager. and like a boss, i've only really gained one pound so far. but i think i can equate that to simultaneously losing muscle while gaining squish. more on that in another post. 

i think that very quickly i'm going to find myself in that awkward place where people sort of just think you're getting chunky. uugggghhh! i am dreading that time period, to say the least. like, i'm not even worried about the whole squeezing an entire human body out of my lower half. i'm more concerned about this growing middle that is going to look like i've got an all-you-can-eat buffet problem i'm trying to disguise. it's a good thing that fashion these days agrees with my pregnancy and flowy, loose fitting clothes are 'in.' i just want to pop already. i'd rather have a taut balloon belly than a doughy tire around my waist.

anyhow, just sitting here waiting it out with chips in hand.