wow. this shit is HARD!!!

wow. this shit is HARD! i had no idea what i was in for. i over think everything i'm doing and worry about every little thing. is he sleeping too much? is he sleeping enough? is he eating too much? i can't tell if he's showing signs of hunger or not. he's going for his fingers. is he hungry or self soothing? they say i'll soon understand the small variances in cries and be able to distinguish what they mean but i fear i'm not going to be able to tell and the rest of my life is going to be a guessing game with this kid. i'm overwhelmed and constantly concerned that i'll never know what i'm doing.

we are nearing three weeks and this only seems to get harder. they say that at some point they become more predictable but that seems so far away. everything i read (and all i've been doing is reading. seriously. constantly reading how? when? why? about everything. mostly about sleeping, eating and crying, obviously. i've been reading so much that i find myself rereading the same articles over.) says that in three months they sleep longer during the night and less during the day. that they can self sooth better at three months. that they eat more quantity during the day and less during the night, again, at. three. months. THREE MONTHS?? i'm barely scraping by three weeks and i feel like i've been in a haze for months already. thank god i've got lots of vacation and sick time saved up to make it to the three month mark. how do women go back to work after six weeks? or actually, maybe going back to work sounds like a dream come true right about now. someone else can deal with all of this new unpredictability and i can just handle the night time. but then i'd miss out on fully delving into this motherhood thing. there's just no winning.

but i cry. i cry a lot. like, pretty much every person i come in contact with sees me cry nowadays. except for the cashier at Target or the small interactions i have with strangers. but even then i choose the self checkout stand more often than not. these postpartum hormones don't help. when do those leave? or are they just making themselves cozy in me for hella long? i'm in a really weird head space. i think all new moms go through it but none of them told me about it. the feeling of helplessness and overwhelmingness. the questioning of decisions. the frustrations. but once i read (yes, more reading) about other people's experiences and investigate it, it seems like nearly every first time mom goes through these same things. so i know i'm not alone. and every time i talk to another mom-friend of mine, it makes me feel at least a little bit better. one of the very best pieces of advice i've gotten was that "everything is a phase and at your darkest moments, know that i'll be totally different in a few days, weeks, months." THANK YOU, NGOC for this little gem of repeated word wisdom i tell myself every few hours. at the very least it gives me a slight sense of hope.

all i want is for this kid to grow up happy and healthy. but while i'm at it i also want to feel good about myself and my decisions for him. and for now my biggest thing is how to soothe this guy so that he doesn't cry his head off. we've tried using a pacifier but he obviously doesn't know what the fuck that thing is. he likes it but knocks it out because his motor skills aren't up to par. like c'mon man, get it together and keep that thing in your mouth! i read that one mom nearly wanted to duct tape it around his head. i'm with her! just kidding. sort of. rocking. swaying. feeding. swaddling. white noise. walking. what do you waaaaant!?!?! just tell me!!! i can't wait until he can just tell me. please please please. that day can't come soon enough.

as i write this Cam is in the third hour of a nap. he was awake for nearly three hours before this and i could tell he was sleepy but i couldn't get him to take a nap. when he's sleeping i miss him but at the very same time i fear the moment he awakens if he hasn't had enough sleep. this kid is running the show around here. 24 hours a day is all about this guy. i hope that i can get used to it. or make it manageable. i know we'll get through this but that light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away. doesn't make me want to kiss him less though.