half way there!

you guys! i'm HALF FREAKING WAY to being responsible for a real life child's well being! that is insane!! on wednesday, august 30, i'll officially be 20 weeks in. that's approximately five months. actually, i don't get the whole month count thing. 36 weeks is supposedly 9 months but if 40 weeks is supposed to be the totality of gestation, then all i know is that 20 is half of 40. whew. good to know i still know basic math this tech-crazed-day in age. 

1st trimester

let's talk first trimester. holy shit that was not fun. i'm pretty aware of my body and emotions. people might say that i'm typically lacking on the emotion front and i totally get it. but i just equate that to being really logical and analytical about things before throwing out gut reactions. in the first trimester, however, i could sense some change in my emotions and body. i started feeling pretty crappy really early on (around week 4). around the clock, for 24 hours a day, i felt nausea but not so bad that it made me want to vomit (thank god!). i also just felt sort of tired like i was coming down with the flu or something. food didn't taste good and meat was a turn off (not that meat is a turn on, but i'm definitely not usually mostly vegetarian). the food thing is a real bummer for someone who lives to eat. to be dramatic, it was like i lost a piece of myself! i just lacked any kind of feeling or caring about anything. because i was feeling so crappy, i started to become somewhat antisocial. instead of making plans to see friends, i just wanted to be home in a horizontal position, watching tv and ignoring Ted and the dogs. oh! and my skin also turned to shit. once upon a time i was the person with nearly flawless, smooth, even skin and now it's like i've got brail written all over my face. fun times for my vanity [insert shifty eye emoji]. 

during most of those first three months, we kept the pregnancy quiet for just-in-case reasons and this added to the shittiness at the time. i couldn't tell anybody why i was being more quiet and i didn't want to let anything on so i had to pretend like everything was normal when i felt like complete crap every. minute. of. every. day. because i wasn't able to talk about it openly, i noticed that i started to get irritated more easily. one day after work, i was walking the dogs as i usually do. i let Waggly (my favorite pup) off leash and he started looking for gophers as he usually does. i kept walking and eventually when i was far enough away i called his name. then i called it again. and again. and again about ten more times but he wouldn't pull his head out of a hole in the grass. so then i started to get really frustrated with him because all i wanted to do was go home and lay down and he was delaying that for me. i marched over to him, started  yelling his name more sternly and when he wouldn't move, i threw a bag of his own poop at him. lucky for him, i do not have a great throwing arm so it landed three feet away from him, but it was enough to startle him and get his head out of the hole. this was definitely a realization moment for me about my changing hormones. i would never throw poop at my favorite dog! but alas, i did!

because this was how i felt literally 24 hours a day (subtract sleep time only because you're unconscious but i swear if i woke up to pee i could feel the nausea), i started to feel a little depressed. it was almost like having some chronic illness but instead of being able to just accept that this would be my every day, i knew there was an end date, which almost made it worse. it's like when i'm on a juice cleanse, i know that for three days i won't be able to eat so instead of letting hanger's bitchiness take over, i just suck up the stomach pains and don't take it out on the world. but once day 2.75 rolls around and you know you're going to be able to eat in .25 days, you start getting cranky and acting out. luckily all of this lasted for about seven or eight weeks and by the end of week 11, it was all mostly gone. hallelujah! and good riddance! 

2nd trimester

now let's talk current day. in my second trimester, i feel friggin great! nausea is gone, my energy is back and i feel like myself again. food actually tastes good and my hormones are in check. my skin still sucks but i can live with where it's at for now. hopefully this changes post baby though. fingers crossed. 

as you know, we're having a boy. we've picked out a name and have shared it with people, but we'll keep it off the blog for now just in case he comes out and we're like "uhh...he doesn't really look like a ____." even though he's a he, i still refer to him as 'it' because that's just how i do. as of 18 weeks and 5 days, i started to feel the little dude move around inside my belly. it's pretty subtle right now. people say it feels like a flutter, but i think it feels more like a non painful muscle spasm. feeling him move around makes it more real for sure, but now when i don't feel him for long periods of time i get a little sense of concern. this is new for me as i've been pretty chill about being pregnant in general. it's not like i go into panic mode or anything but the thought of losing the baby does cross my mind. pretty sure that's normal though. i'm not an overly cautious pregnant person, but more on that another time. 

as far as physical changes, you can see from the picture above that the baby belly is starting to make it's grand entrance into this world. i still don't feel like i look that pregnant. i think people might just look at me and think i'm gaining carb weight still. i'm not really happy about the state of my second chin also making a grand entrance into this world, but whatcha gonna do. as of today i've gained approximately 14 lbs, which i'm okay with. if i can help it, i'd like to max out at 25 lbs at 40 weeks but we'll see how my wishful thinking goes as i continue to eat pizza and nachos. otherwise, my skin still sucks, my nipples/boobs are doing what they're apparently supposed to, my hair seems slightly thicker (though it's not growing as quickly as i'd like), my nails seem stronger, my belly's hairs seem a little darker (weirrrrrrrd. i didn't ever even realize i had any but here tada! they're here), and that's about it. i don't have heartburn or stretch marks. i don't have cravings. i'm exercising like i normally do (mostly anyway, but more on that in the next post). 

so far this second trimester rocks! i wouldn't say that i'm the mom that loves being pregnant or feels super connected to her baby but it's definitely an experience i wouldn't trade for the world. i am grateful to have been able to get pregnant and carry our baby without having any complications thus far.

alright, little man. just keep on keepin' on, mmmkay?