Friday, July 8, 2011

what do you least like about yourself?

the other day i was having dinner with one of the best conversationalists i know, Izelle. she poses random questions and keeps the ball rolling. plus she never really talks about the things i'm uninterested in like politics and world news. seriously, i'm really not into any of it. think i'm stupid or uneducated? be my guest, i could care less. well during our convo she mentioned a couple of her own personal disliked qualities and it got me thinking, what quality do i most dislike about myself?

the answer: lack of passion. i feel like people who are passionate experience many extremes in their lives. i feel like true natural passion allows people to feel and express all emotions ranging from sadness or anger to euphoria and amazement. i'm not saying that i don't experience these things, but i am saying that i question the frequency in which i feel any of those emotions compared to someone who has much more natural passion.

i was once told that i was apathetic. according to the dictionary this means:
1. having or showing little or no feeling or emotion :  spiritless
2. having little or no interest or concern:   indifferent

hhmmm. kinda true. if you can remember reading back from the very first paragraph, it's obvious i have little to no concern about politics and along with that, i don't mind if you don't think i'm smart. politics seems to be something that many people are interested in. what also seems to spark people's interest? what other people think about them. in just the beginning of this whole post i've already proven that i am pretty apathetic. i find this to be an unwanted quality, however i'm also not sure i want to change it. i can't say that i'm completely "spiritless" or "indifferent," but when it comes to other people's business, i leave it at that. theirs. not mine, therefore i don't have that much of an opinion on the subject unless my opinion is asked. at that point i have to actively think up an opinion otherwise the subject might get lost in my mind as just some occurrence that happened during the day.

i've seen many people get feisty over little nothings and i can't quite understand. someone cuts you off while driving and all of a sudden it's worth it to get out of your car and yell at a mofo? someone accidentally spills the tiniest splash from a drink on to your shoe in an ever so crowded elbow-to-elbow club and you are ready to lose some hair in a bitch fight? really? well just as much as these people are ready to knock someone's teeth out over something stupid, they are equally excited about their trip to Hawaii, their aunt's wedding, or a photography class they're taking.

i feel like i'm so easy going that unless someone is seriously hurt, nothing phases me. i don't get mad about a lot of things. someone spills a drink on me at a club where it is known that people are going to be drunk. drunk=clumsy. now by logic, if i am at this club where it is expected that drunkards are going to be spilling drinks, why would i get upset if it happens? it's inevitable that someone will spill a drink. if it so happens to be on me, then i should have known better than to be there if it means i may potentially have to knock a bitch out. so instead, i just don't get mad.

aside from not easily getting riled up, i also feel that i lack passion in a lot of things. for example, i like photography and i take pictures for fun sometimes. people say that i have a natural eye for it. but do i take classes to excel at it? no. do i even know how to use photoshop correctly? no. i bought a DSLR only to pay no respect to the manual and keep the setting on auto for the most part. i even started Project 365 at the beginning of this year and gave up after 60ish days. photography is just one aspect of where i feel i should be passionate, yet am not.

i wonder if my lack of passion is due to my sense of logic. i am definitely a logical thinker and hardly get lost in daydreams and artistic things. as a kid i wouldn't say i was too imaginative. sure, i had Barbies and played games like Lava (where the floor is lava and you have to stay on furniture in order to not burn to your death) but i don't remember making up random stories or having an imaginary friend. i wonder if my lack of imagination=lack of passion somehow. in my mind it makes sense. but it is 1:48am, so i might just potentially be rambling now.

1 comment:

  1. We need people like you to balance out all the wackos out there who DO get all hyped up and emotional about things. You are like a comfortable middle.