the connectivity of two people

as an adult it's really hard to meet somebody and have an instant chemistry or connection. i'm talking romantically of course. friendships are far easier to make than relationships involving the heart. i am all for the married couples who met when they were young, then learned and grew with each other. and i'm all for those that struggled through hard times together and fought for their relationship so long as in the end there is resolve and all histories remain history. many relationships start off sort of iffy. he's nice so i'll see where it goes. he's funny so his asshollishness is counteracted. he buys me things so the fact that he's a bore isn't a deal breaker. you let things slide because you just do. i see all of these situations and often these people have moved into a life with someone without fully feeling the chemistry.

as someone who is nearly 30, it's become increasingly evident to me that finding true chemistry with someone else is quite the battle, as i do not want to be someone who just let's things slide. this is because the older you become, the more you are in tune with all of the things you want. well, i would hope so anyway. when you were eighteen if a guy was cute, well that was enough wasn't it? when you were twenty-two you just wanted someone who you could have fun with. it didn't matter whether he was ambitious or had a good relationship with his mom. but when you're at my age so many things matter. you're looking for someone who you're attracted to, who shares the same values as you do, who is in line with the type of future you wish to have (be it in work, future family, how you spend your money, etc.), who you can have fun with, who you share a similar humor, who can be your support and who you feel you want to reciprocate for, and who you just have that magic with. i'm not saying that relationships don't take work or include compromise, but those things are sort of a big deal. and finding all of those things in one person seems nearly impossible.

trust me, i've been in the dating field a lot in my life and finding someone who you just click with doesn't come easy. in the past i've dated plenty of people with whom i sort of just thought "ehh..they're pretty cool" to see where it will lead and found that i've never been passionate about those guys. as i have grown into someone who knows pretty much what i deserve, i can't help but reject anything that doesn't captivate me. there's the guy who's super nice, attractive, has a good head on his shoulders, and is boring as f*ck. no thanks. there's the guy who is hilarious, easy to talk to, dresses well and is gentlemanly, but is a little too animated and who's energy level is just one step above acceptable. oh, and then he said "in yo fayce" (yes, the 'y' is there on purpose because he literally pronounced it like that) twice, which is two too many times. nope, i'm good. no thanks. boring and different energy levels are sort of deal breakers and definitely kill any desire to want to get to know someone better in a romantic sense.

what i'm getting at is that nowadays i'm not just in search of someone to fill my time with fun and games. i'm in need of someone who not only shares in all of the aforementioned things but who i also have legitimate chemistry with. two people who are on the same vibe on all of those levels have a true connectivity. and that's the only relationship i'll settle for. 

"we accept the love we think we deserve"

no truer words have ever been said.

i most recently heard these words in the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower (which was really good, by the way. i highly recommend it. judging by the trailer only, you might think it's just a coming of age story but it's much more than that. just trust me!). but it's not the first time i've heard this. i remember hearing that quote years ago and it always stuck with me.

your own self esteem is the most valuable thing you own. too often people fall into relationships that are volatile and remain in them for as long as they think they can't do better. but underneath it all, they "can't do better" because they don't think they're worthy of greater things. if you think highly of yourself, you wouldn't let anybody walk all over you, right? so in love, if you know you're the equivalent of rainbows and unicorns, you should really only be with someone who also thinks you're amazing and treats you so. oh, and i assume that person will be top-notch-awesome themselves, because you wouldn't settle for anything less. i mean it's just a matter of respect and reciprocation.

so. am i awesome/amazing? i so am! cocky, i know. sorry i'm not sorry that i know my own worth!

i miss my friends

Kimmers, myself, Steph and Trina

(this weekend at Eddie's [Steph's husband and soon to be baby daddy] 30th bday!! i love LOVE LOVE these girls with all my heart)

lately i've been hanging out with a bunch of random people. new friends and prospects mostly. but because my time has been spent this way, i haven't been able to see the people who i would consider my core very much.

naturally as we all get a little older our lives get a little more complicated. we figure out our career paths, we get into relationships (or out in my case), we start families, and we lose what used to be common interests. we find new friends and coworkers become your friends. hardships occur and troubles inhibit. but my love loyalty for my life long girl friends will never die. though i'm fortunate enough to say that in order to count my most valued friends i'd have to use two hands, i also have to say that i don't see these people as often as i desire. some have moved further away and some have become busy dealing with life in a general sense.

lately scheduled get-togethers start out with "how have you been" when i would prefer them to start out with "so today____." now there are a couple things wrong with what i've just said. the fact that seeing my greatest friends have to be scheduled is bothersome to me. gone are the days when i could call someone up, say "bux?" and know i'd see their pretty faces at our usual Starbucks for some coffee and conversation within fifteen minutes. also, rather than talking about everything and nothing, a majority of our time is spent catching up on our lives not shared together. i miss the days where we'd order a Dominos pizza (although now i would prefer something that tastes less like cardboard covered in pepperoni) and sit around watching each week's episode of America's Next Top Model. 

but there's nobody to blame. life happens. and luckily every time i see these people it's as if nothing has changed. there isn't a moment of awkward or a hesitation to spill our deepest thoughts and concerns. our backs are had and our friendship life long. 

this is a "hi! i miss you and i love you" to Kris, Kim, Trina, Steph, Meiche, Jax, Ize, Maria, Marjie and Eva. and while i see you, i could never see you enough. 

Newer Friends and Other Older Friends, don't think i don't like you. you're awesome! i just intensely love my core.

"never get better at growing up and learning to lie"

"promise that forever we will never get better at growing up and learning to lie." - Good Lives, Eve 6

the above quote are lyrics that have stuck in my mind for years. it makes me angry when i see people lying for the purposes of deception. it's one thing to lie to your girlfriend because you're going to make her your wife and the day you bought the ring you told her you went to buy socks instead. that kind of lie is meant to be unveiled and the outcome is for a better purpose (well, assuming the woman would like to marry you that is). what i'm talking about are lies that are meant to never be discovered.

for as long as i can remember i've never been able to successfully tell a lie. i just don't have it in me to be anything but honest. sometimes my mouth gets me in trouble but i'd rather deal with the consequences than spend a lifetime trying to keep up with a falsity. you see, once upon a time my mom told me that "if you're going to lie, make sure you cover all of your bases so that you could never ever get caught." to never ever get caught? well that just seems impossible! from that moment on i knew that telling lies was too difficult a task and maintaining "stories" was too much work. 


because i am incapable of lies, i find it deeply upsetting when i'm met with a lie. the idea of being purposefully deceived makes me sick. yup, even if it's something minute. the moment i've discovered deceit, i instantly lose a prorated amount of trust in a person depending on the weight of the lie itself. the idea that "this person is bullshit" files away in my brain folders and i'm mindful of their ability to be deceptive. conceivably, in order for the liar at hand to speak to you untruthfully, they must think that you are clueless enough to never ever find out about the lie, am i right? personally, if someone thinks i'm clueless enough to never ever fit puzzle pieces together, then i would consider that they actively think i'm an idiot. and i'm not havin' that.

lies are just false words that inevitably ruin the integrity of a being.

106:365 Bully

106:365 
remember when i ranted about the rating dispute for Bully? well with a minor change in the movie they gave it a PG-13 rating, allowing it to reach the intended audience. i went to go see it today and while most of the audience was comprised of adults, it should still make an impact. bullying starts with parenting. if parents don't teach their children that mean/hurtful words and actions can seriously impair the happiness of others, then how can we expect the kids to know any better? i think the people of my generation should watch this movie so that when we all become parents, we'll have knowledge of the effects of bullying so that we may do our part to raise children who will not partake in bullying. and better yet, howsabout raising children who will stand up for those being bullied? 
i cried more watching this film than i ever have during any other movie. the kids that committed suicide because they couldn't stand not feeling worthy of life was heartbreaking. to see their parents pain was unbearable. and to watch school administration say that there wasn't anything they could do made me irate. then it got me thinking about myself. i can't say that i've been the nicest person my whole life. ask Leslie. she says i was mean to her in high school even though we hung out consistently throughout all four years. in fact, i would go to her house on occasion and her mom liked me. i don't actually remember ever being mean to her. but that's the problem. sometimes kids say/do things without thinking and without considering the consequences for both parties. i may have potentially never thought the things i said to Leslie were mean, per se, but they clearly affected her enough that she felt an emotional dislike for me. even to this day, i am quite blunt and will not sugarcoat things. sometimes people think the words that spill out of my mouth are harsh yet i continue. maybe it's time to reevaluate. 

Bully

it really is a tragedy that the Motion Picture Association gave Bully an R rating, making the audience they were trying to reach unattainable. the youth, who were truly meant to see this movie, can't because of a stupid rating system. true, it deals with suicide and harsh realities but bullying is an epidemic spread wide across the world and should be addressed. if only kids could see what harm their words and actions can do to a person, maybe it would stop. maybe they would see the movie and figure out that their words and actions could also help their peers.

in an attempt to get the movie out to the public the people behind Bully are sending it out unrated. because of the lack of rating most theaters (large or small) consider it worse than an R rating and still will not show it at all. lucky (though i wish more theaters would suck it up and show it) for us we've always got Berkeley. one theater (to my knowledge via some research) in Berkeley is going to show the film on April 13th at 2:20am and 4:50am. while i'm happy it'll reach some, it's really too bad that they're showing it at ungodly hours because more than likely only adults like myself will see it. the kids who should be watching it still won't be reached. hopefully somewhere down the line the big shot movie people or the Bully people can figure something out. i hope to see showings at a decent hour and i hope to see parents bringing their kids to see it, even if it ends up being R rated. it's such an important message, so please support the cause. visit thebullyproject.com

a christmas tradition

i've always felt like a lucky person. i've been spoiled and humbled by my parents and am blessed with all of the things i have. when i was 10 (i told you that i always say i was 10 in childhood stories! remember?) i started getting allowance. but not without doing chores. when i was sixteen i was given a car. but not without driving my brother around as well. when i was 18 my tuition for college was paid for. but not without maintaining good grades. when i was 21 and in x-ray school, i lived with my parents rent free. with the promise that i was making the right career moves. and when i was 27 i was gifted a very generous amount of money to help me with the down payment for a house. but not without knowing they'd raised a daughter that wouldn't take them for granted. i've always felt like too many people take for granted the things they've been handed. and i know i never want to be one of those people. 

every christmas morning, for the past six years, i've handed out bagged lunches to San Francisco's homeless. see, my family has never really been big on celebrating holidays and as you all know, nearly everything is closed on christmas day. on most christmases i found myself watching loads of tv and being lazy. one day years ago i decided that if i had nothing better to do, i should take that time and give a little back to the world. 

since then, every year i make bagged lunches for about 35 or so homeless. i take my mom's costco card and get all of the ingredients there. this year the lunch consisted of a pb&j sandwich, a granola bar, trail mix (walnuts, dried pomegranate, and chocolate), goldfish, an orange and a bottle of water. in years past it consisted of things like cookies, chips and boxed juice. but (friggin believe it or not) while handing out the lunches i've heard things like "i have diabetes" and "don't you know nothin' bout celiac disease?" last year plenty of people asked if i had clean water. so this year i changed things up and gave them a bit healthier a meal. 

i, along with whoever wants to accompany me for that day, drive around the empty streets of SF in search of the homeless. sometimes we hand them bags through the window of our car and sometimes i'll run out and drop a bag off by their feet if they're asleep. it's a simple task, really.

but don't be fooled. although i'm doing a nice thing for people, it isn't as if i get nothing in return. if anything, it makes me feel like a better person in general. it's humbling to view the torturous life of those living out on the streets. it forces you to value simple things such as heat and clean water. plus, often times you get pleasant smiles in return, very nice "happy holidays," or a "thank god. bless your soul." and while those words are always nice to hear, it wouldn't matter if nobody said "thank you." i would still go out and hand the bags out anyway. it's become a tradition of mine. this year, with my grandfather's funeral held on christmas eve, i was going to skip handing out the lunches. but as the day got nearer i began feeling almost guilty for wanting to forgo the tradition. but i decided the day prior to the funeral that i was going to buy the food and follow up with a sixth year. i corralled my cousins to help me make sandwiches and put the lunch bags together. the next morning i kept tradition alive!

it's always a positive thing to be grateful and give a little back to the world. 

what do you least like about yourself?

the other day i was having dinner with one of the best conversationalists i know, Izelle. she poses random questions and keeps the ball rolling. plus she never really talks about the things i'm uninterested in like politics and world news. seriously, i'm really not into any of it. think i'm stupid or uneducated? be my guest, i could care less. well during our convo she mentioned a couple of her own personal disliked qualities and it got me thinking, what quality do i most dislike about myself?

the answer: lack of passion. i feel like people who are passionate experience many extremes in their lives. i feel like true natural passion allows people to feel and express all emotions ranging from sadness or anger to euphoria and amazement. i'm not saying that i don't experience these things, but i am saying that i question the frequency in which i feel any of those emotions compared to someone who has much more natural passion.

i was once told that i was apathetic. according to the dictionary this means:
1. having or showing little or no feeling or emotion :  spiritless
2. having little or no interest or concern:   indifferent

hhmmm. kinda true. if you can remember reading back from the very first paragraph, it's obvious i have little to no concern about politics and along with that, i don't mind if you don't think i'm smart. politics seems to be something that many people are interested in. what also seems to spark people's interest? what other people think about them. in just the beginning of this whole post i've already proven that i am pretty apathetic. i find this to be an unwanted quality, however i'm also not sure i want to change it. i can't say that i'm completely "spiritless" or "indifferent," but when it comes to other people's business, i leave it at that. theirs. not mine, therefore i don't have that much of an opinion on the subject unless my opinion is asked. at that point i have to actively think up an opinion otherwise the subject might get lost in my mind as just some occurrence that happened during the day.

i've seen many people get feisty over little nothings and i can't quite understand. someone cuts you off while driving and all of a sudden it's worth it to get out of your car and yell at a mofo? someone accidentally spills the tiniest splash from a drink on to your shoe in an ever so crowded elbow-to-elbow club and you are ready to lose some hair in a bitch fight? really? well just as much as these people are ready to knock someone's teeth out over something stupid, they are equally excited about their trip to Hawaii, their aunt's wedding, or a photography class they're taking.

i feel like i'm so easy going that unless someone is seriously hurt, nothing phases me. i don't get mad about a lot of things. someone spills a drink on me at a club where it is known that people are going to be drunk. drunk=clumsy. now by logic, if i am at this club where it is expected that drunkards are going to be spilling drinks, why would i get upset if it happens? it's inevitable that someone will spill a drink. if it so happens to be on me, then i should have known better than to be there if it means i may potentially have to knock a bitch out. so instead, i just don't get mad.

aside from not easily getting riled up, i also feel that i lack passion in a lot of things. for example, i like photography and i take pictures for fun sometimes. people say that i have a natural eye for it. but do i take classes to excel at it? no. do i even know how to use photoshop correctly? no. i bought a DSLR only to pay no respect to the manual and keep the setting on auto for the most part. i even started Project 365 at the beginning of this year and gave up after 60ish days. photography is just one aspect of where i feel i should be passionate, yet am not.

i wonder if my lack of passion is due to my sense of logic. i am definitely a logical thinker and hardly get lost in daydreams and artistic things. as a kid i wouldn't say i was too imaginative. sure, i had Barbies and played games like Lava (where the floor is lava and you have to stay on furniture in order to not burn to your death) but i don't remember making up random stories or having an imaginary friend. i wonder if my lack of imagination=lack of passion somehow. in my mind it makes sense. but it is 1:48am, so i might just potentially be rambling now.

it gets better

everybody knows somebody gay. whether that person is out or not is another thing. but everybody knows somebody who is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. i'm proud to say that i know at least one somebody in each of those categories. i hesitated for a moment there to write down "categories" because sometimes people don't want to be labeled. sometimes people want to be so politically correct that children can't sit "indian style" anymore. they now sit "criss cross apple sauce," but who's to say that apples aren't, too, offended by this manner of sitting? categories are neccessary. without them we would never have known that Africans and African Americans are more prone to Sickle Cell Anemia and that Asians have a higher risk of osteoperosis. it is important for people to know what categories they fall in to figure out what is best for them in future and in health. i digress. i'm not here to categorize anybody or separate people. i'm here to applaud the efforts of the It Gets Better cause.

has anybody seen the It Gets Better cause on tv? the cause is mostly focused on those who are gay, bi, lesbian and transgender. it sends a message to tell them that no matter what they are going through now, it eventually gets better. it's to show them that there are faces of other people out there struggling with the same thing that they are simply because of a sexual preference or a gut feeling that they are in the wrong body. there are clips of people who have been through the same thing and have come out on the other side happy and healthy. it's a voice of hope for the future, a forum for people to find others who understand. nobody should have to be faced with the hateful actions and words of those who don't understand. it's hard enough being a teenager, but being a teenager with an added layer of identity that they may not fully understand themselves while being pushed to the floor is no way to live. sadly it happens sometimes. but just know that if you can think through to your future, you know it. will. get. better. one day you'll find the courage to show the world who you are and stand proud. as long as your heart is solid and you are kind to others, smile with strength knowing that you simply are who you are and wouldn't have it any other way. you will find people who understand exactly what you've been through and you can all find peace because you've got each other. and you've got others who support you whether they are the same as you or not. there are people behind you. you may not know them. it could be any stranger on the street, but know that there are people on your side. you may not be able to stop the bullies or ignore the looks, but one day it will get better.

now although i fully support this cause for everything that it is, i think that it can be applied to anybody that is struggling. whether it is a teenager made fun of for being a "four eyes" or someone who has been in a relationship involving domestic violence, if they find the strength (which everybody has) to find help or find real friends, it will get better. everybody can find somebody to support them. it's about seeking that support. i know that my life has been mostly easy compared to many, but it doesn't mean i don't understand where hurt comes from. it doesn't mean that i don't know what empathy feels like. when i saw the It Gets Better clip it brought some tears to my eyes. i can only imagine what it was like for the people that i personally know who have struggled with being "different" in their younger years. hopefully It Gets Better makes a difference in people's lives. scratch that. i know it's going to make a difference. i stand up to applaud the people behind the cause.